(This turned out to be the final version of committing crimes)

THE BEDFORD STEALER

Theft

Stealing Stuff



The Method

It is a well known fact that robbery is the single most effective means to earn money in the modern world, but only if you are able to do it right. THEFT involves the removal of another person’s items from their possession and relocation into your own acquisition. If it is done incorrectly there is a ninety-nine percent chance you will be shot, but when done correctly, theft can be an extremely profitable job.

Reasons and Subjects for Theft

Why steal? You may steal for several reasons: if you are bored, if you are poor, if you are lazy, if you want some quick cash, or if your friend refused to share their lunch with you. There are many ways to go about satisfying your need to rectify the injustice of an empty stomach but the most important part of theft is selecting the right subject.

If you are going to be partaking in the great American past time of theft, you are going to want to know the subjects from which you should focus your efforts. Some recommended targets are:

· Small children
· Old Ladies
· Cripples
· People you don’t like
· People in hospitals


These subjects make for a particularly effective MARK – or target – because the chances of them over powering you are slim. Generally when stealing stuff you are going to want to easily overcome the mark so as to avoid unnecessary butt-kickings and make the most gain from a job. For reference, here are a list of inappropriate subjects for theft:

· People with large muscles
· People with dangerous looking scars
· People with large, intimidating weapons
· Old ladies that may be packing heat
· Children that may be packing heat
· People who own flamethrowers (unless you are flame retardant)
· People who own velociraptors (unless you are trying to steal said velociraptor)
· Cripples that may be packing heat


You can see that the list of restrictions is much longer than the recommendations so you should pursue theft only if you have quick fingers and swift feet. Getting caught by an old lady is embarrassing and potentially painful if she was, indeed, packing heat.

Example of Theft

The most basic kind of theft is mugging. MUGGING involves the violent redistribution of wealth from one person to another (preferably yourself). Targets for mugging should always be people you don’t like since there is a good deal of dirty work involved including a good deal of pistol whipping and shouting in the process. Muggings can involve more than one person – i.e. you can shout at one target while smacking the other with your handgun and vice versa. This process is often called MULTI-TASKING (Chapter 11) and is a great technique if you want to increase your margin of profit exponentially.

Sneaking

It is generally advisable not to get caught while stealing; in fact getting caught is the exact opposite of what you want to do. Unfortunately, old ladies are not as poor of hearing as you may believe so make sure to walk on tippy-toes (as everybody knows you will make absolutely no sound while on tippy-toes) when maneuvering around them. If, while casing the house of an old lady, you encounter a velociraptor, be sure to walk on tippy-toes since doing so will also make you completely invisible; this is especially important because there is the significant possibility that the raptor will be packing heat.

Sticky Situations

Sometimes things won’t go your way and you will have to think fast to avoid unfortunate situations. If you incorrectly judged a target and you find yourself face to face with the muzzle of something that strongly resembles a pistol than you have failed as a thief and selected the only old lady in the country who was actually packing heat and have also just put yourself in a situation in which you may be shot in the face. To avoid massive facial reconstructive surgery:

· DO NOT put your face in front of the gun
· DO NOT try to run
· DO run fast if you choose to disregard the above suggestion
· DO NOT ask to be shot in the face (why would you do that anyway? (unless of course you really did want to be shot in the face (but I shouldn’t even offer you an “unless” (because I am not supposed to give you such vague suggestions (I don’t really know why, some crappy book just told me it’s wrong)))))
· Actually I changed my mind… you should probably run.
· When grandma’s got the gun, it is time to run.
· DO NOT rhyme under any circumstances.

Checklist For Revising Your Theft Technique

I apologize. It seems that my checklist has been stolen. So in lieu of a checklist I have composed this extremely helpful and one-hundred percent relevant flow chart to assist you in its place.

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